newbuzz...One more day to finish out the workweek and then we are in full Christmas mode. In a few short days, it will all be over and we will pack up the season and wait again until next year. For tonight there are a couple traditions to enjoy.

By the glow of the light strands on the house, I can peek out the window and see a soft, fluffy snow falling.  I am snug in my jammies with a dog in my lap and my husband nearby. We are watching the 1947 version of Miracle on 34th Street and enjoying a Tom and Jerry before bedtime.

The Tom and Jerry at Christmas is a tradition I remember from childhood. My grandpa would make the egg and sugar batter from scratch and it was served in a big bowl to the adults.  A shot of brandy, a shot of rum, a big spoon of batter plopped in a mug.  Then the mug was filled to the brim with hot water and nutmeg from a whole clove was freshly grated over it. When I was a kid it looked so good and smelled wonderful.  One sip told me all I needed to know and I would not try it again until I was long into adulthood.  Now I enjoy the sweet, strong drink as much as I enjoy the memories of days past that go along with it. Someday I'll make the homemade batter and freshly grate the clove of nutmeg. For now I use modern conveniences.

The movie is delightful though younger folks may be more familiar with the 1994 version. I am a baby boomer and we really watched television growing up, especially over the holidays. I remember the days when gifts were for birthdays and Christmas and nothing in between. This old fashioned movie speaks to my childhood and with a Tom and Jerry in hand and a dog in my lap, I am peaceful and Merry.

Meet Ping

newbuzz...Almost a year since my last post. My, oh my, how life can get busy. My last preoccupation was the research and anticipated acquisition of my new Shih Tzu puppy.

Well, I got my puppy.  Meet Ping.  He will have his first birthday on January 29, 2018.

Ping is 10 pounds of scruffy fur and fun rolled into one amusing dust mop. Just the thing for someone 'my age'. (Not that I'm old, but I did just qualify for the 5% discount at my local grocery store.) Anyway, this guy gets more attention than his namesake onomatopoeia. 

Perfect for a middle aged woman with an empty nest and no grand children, this dog has me walking, bending, lifting and sharpening my mind with ever-escalating mind games like, hide the phone cord, move the books and put up the plants. The trick is to remember where everything is stashed when I need it.

I am certain Ping will make it into many more blog posts.  For now, we both wish you all safe travels and a happy holiday season. 

newbuzz...I have not posted newbuzz in quite a while.  What then, pray tell, could make me muster the effort on a Saturday evening? It is my recent experience and decision to purchase a purebred Shih Tzu puppy.  My goodness, it has been a difficult thing.

My Shih Tzu, Puyi of 12 years was "put to sleep" on October 1, 2016 to save him the panic of a natural death by congestive heart failure.  This was upsetting and very emotional and I was glad I had the option to "put him our of his misery".  Oh, but we missed him.  His loving sister dog, Olan didn't understand where he went and she missed him greatly.  Months later, she still looked for him at happy times and then instantly became sad and subdued when he did not appear. I wanted to provide a new companion for her and for me.

A natural choice was to rescue an unwanted Shih Tzu from a rescue shelter.  It must be a Shih Tzu as we love their quiet nature, non-shedding coat and absolute darling demeanor. This breed is a perfect fit for our family and our lifestyle. As I filled out applications and agreed to send my $400.00 for a one-eyed,  ten year old dog who was not potty trained and had people issues, I felt confident I  would love this dog into happiness and it would provide the companionship my my little girl dog was missing.

It was not to be.  Rescue shelters ask very personal and intrusive questions about you, your life, your habits and your pet ownership.  I answered honestly that we own a dog that is not spayed, and this began the heartache. We have a three year old purebred English Setter who is not spayed. We may breed her, we may not.  She is not spayed because it takes time to determine if she has what it takes to pass on to the next generation.  She is a hunting and field trial dog.  We wait to see how she performs, we wait to make sure she is healthy, with no genetic defects.  We wait to see if there are any potential buyers and determine if there is a worthy sire for breeding.  If all considerations are positive, we may breed her to carry on the genetic line.  If not, we will have her spayed.  In the meantime, she is our house pet who is well fed, exercised, loved and restrained. There will be no unwanted puppies.  But she is not spayed and the rescue shelters say, "no, you cannot adopt a dog, you are irresponsible for having an unspayed dog in your home".  There could be no exception and no explanation; just no.

Oh boy.  I still want a dog so I started to look for reputable breeders of Shih Tzu puppies.This is not easy. There are many considerations.  You cannot go to a pet store.  You do not want to go to a puppy mill. So where do you go?  Online? Yes, there are many listings online. But how do you know if they are real?  How do you know you have not contacted a puppy mill?  Do you need a registered dog? What registry? How do you know if the dog will be healthy? What if the parents have been ill-treated?

I found some breeders and did some internet searching, made some phone calls, and ruled a couple out.  One wanted money and a contract before I was allowed to see the puppy or the kennel.  I settled on a commercial breeder with a state license indicating it had been recently inspected for health conditions and passed. I visited the place and then put down a deposit.

Soon, I will be able to pick up my puppy and bring him home. I still feel bad that I did not adopt from a shelter and I will probably always fight the urge to tell the long story about why I bought a puppy from a breeder.

In the end, I want a dog to love and spoil.  I will care for him until he dies.  I am responsible and anyone who knows me even causally can vouch for my devotion to my animals. This experience has been  one more indication of the cynical world we live in. People must suspect your motives  as you try to adopt a dog because they have seen firsthand the horrors of animal abuse and neglect. 

The internet age has also provided instant access to the worst examples and therefore creates an atmosphere of fear where none may be warranted.

newbuzz...The people I miss have been coming to me lately in memories. A simple story overheard about some other family's loved one or a flowery breeze at the end of a summer day can produce a feeling so strong that I catch my breath and pause for the experience.

Random relatives become clear to me as I dust off the old records in my mind.  I remember the way that G.G., (Great Grandma Carlson) and Grandpa Carlson were always happy to see us when we visited them at their house in St. Paul.  In a time when fast food was non-existent and junk food was rare, we were delighted by the large gumdrops in the candy dish at their house.

We were greeted at the door with a big smile and a loud, "Well, well, well...".  When we stayed for lunch, we had swiss cheese sandwiches on rye bread, something we would not eat at home without complaining.  But at their house we were thankful for it because it meant that when we were done eating, we could rummage through the button box and other treasures in the attic bedroom.

These great-grandparents were strange to me and I often felt awkward around them.  But at the same time, they were my family and it felt good to belong. Now looking back, I wish I had talked with them some more, looked at their pictures and asked about their relatives.

I know that they have shaped my life and even the lives of my children, though they never met each other. I smile when I fill the candy dish with gumdrops.  I save the buttons from our old clothes in my own button box and I hear myself greeting my pets with, "Well, well, well...".

The memories are tinged with a bit of sadness and longing for what is past.  I see that I am no longer the little one, but rather the middle aged woman, fast approaching old age and I wonder who will remember me and how those memories will shape another life.

Moving Forward With Confidence

newbuzz... In my last post almost a year ago, I committed to changing my frame of reference when faced with new or different situations.  Here I am now, reading the old post and reflecting on the changes in my life.

My new thinking has certainly propelled my career in the right direction. I have been promoted to a position that I love and that suits my skills and abilities. There have been many stretch moments where I have reached far outside of my comfort zone.  During these times I have had to remind myself that new is not bad, and unknown is not worse.  I have found that keeping an open mind is an invitation for goodness to dwell and flourish. By focusing on what do I want instead of worrying about what I do not want, I have avoided anxiety and wasted energy. 

Over the past year, I have experienced challenges, set backs, and disappointments.  But I realize this is to be expected. Creating and maintaining new work routines and constructive relationships takes daily effort. It is okay to have a bad day or a bad experience as long as I learn from it and move on.  By making an effort to rethink the facts, I have found that I can change the issue and solve any problem.

It is that simple.  Changing the way I frame my world has changed my world.  My real life experiment has proved to me that everything I have heard about positive energy attracting more positive energy is true.  By taking my nexting to the next level and expecting the best, I have indeed experienced the best outcomes.

Though I still worry and wonder what is next, it is becoming more natural for me to relax and imagine a best case scenario.  I am looking forward to a time when my first impulse is to rejoice when faced with a difficult decision or a new opportunity, knowing that good things come to those who want them.

Taking Nexting to the Next Level

newbuzz...Some people just breeze through life without a worry about what will happen next (ie 'nexting'). They take life as it comes without looking for hidden meanings or trying to plan ahead.  That is not me.  I want to know what is next, so I put a great deal of energy into decision making.  Sometimes, I will postpone making a decision, or even avoid change altogether when I am uncertain of the outcome. I suppose that is a good strategy for some things, especially where the risk of loss is great. But I have come to recognize a certain kind of nexting that is based entirely in fear, and that is a strategy I want to live without.

I have always thought of myself as a positive, "glass half-full" person. Why then, do I think the unknown could be so wrought with peril that I am unable to make a change or come to a difficult decision? Upon reflection, I realize that being positive is more than having a smile on my face and seeing the best in others.  Positive thinking springs from self confidence.  Negative thinking feeds on feelings of powerlessness.  That is why I am more comfortable with familiar situations. Even the familiar situations that are not very good are less stressful than contemplating something new and unknown.

But uncertainty does not necessarily mean powerless, and even powerless is not necessarily bad. The common theme in my nexting is that the unknown will always lead to something less than, or worse than what I have today. I want to change this kind of thinking because it makes me miss opportunities that could be wonderful. If I must be a nexter, as I fear I must, then I want to take my nexting to the next level!

When I am tempted to worry about what is next, I will stop, think, and re-frame. First I must stop the negative thinking. No negative self talk, not any, at all, ever. Second, I will think about all the great outcomes I have experienced after making uncertain changes. (This includes the decisions I have made and the times I have been pushed into change). Finally, I will re-frame my thoughts so that I can embrace the unknown with enthusiasm and excitement.

Since I cannot banish all the words that connote mishap and mayhem from my active thinking, I will set to work on changing the connotations.  For every negative, undermining meaning behind the word, I will pause and create a better, more positive, confidence boosting, self affirming feeling.

Perhaps all this next level nexting sets me further apart from the life breezers who never have to plan ahead. But I am working with what I have, and who said their way was better anyway?

Reflections at 50

newbuzz...

Monday, October 1, 2012

newbuzz...I recently turned fifty and I am starting to realize what that means.  If my life will be about seventy five years, then I am in the last third of my life. As a late bloomer, I have got a lot of living to pack into the next twenty five years or so.

I know I am not the first person to experience these life stages, but I would bet that I am in the trailblazer category when it comes to late Baby Boomers starting over. I have also experienced some notable and historical financial crises in US history which have shaped my life and directed my path.

Though both of my parents had college education, I was not prepared to enter college after High School.  I thought I would just get a job and work.  Instead, I got married at eighteen.
We lived in rural Minnesota and managed a 65 cow dairy herd with 360 acres of farmland. It was a lot for two kids under twenty five to handle, but we did well.  We were enthusiastic and energetic. We had high hopes of building the business into a farm where we could raise our own kids.

But then the farm crisis of the early 1980's robbed us of all the profits from our operation.  Milk prices dropped and we had borrowed money at high interest rates. The bank told us they could not give us an operating loan. Without it, we could not plant crops that year. 

In the spring of 1985, with a six month old daughter in tow, we had to shut down, sell out, pack up and leave. On the last day, I remember sitting on the back step, looking at the empty pasture and the field that was still fallow. I cried as I realized I would never again have this lifestyle.  My children would never know that this life existed.  I felt the weight of my husband crumble as our first dream was lost.

We pulled it together and got on with life.  He got two years of college and a labor job at an aluminum recycling plant.  I raised our two daughters at home until they were both in school.  Then I joined the ranks in the customer service department of a local wholesaler.

All the years we were raising the kids, we wished for a home in the country.  It just was not possible for us catch up from losing everything, save enough money to move to a hobby farm and have enough for the kids.  So we chose to enjoy the kids.  And we did.  They kept us  busy with  various clubs, music lessons, sports and school activities.

We encouraged the girls to go to college as we knew it was their ticket to a comfortable life. We sacrificed for them because we knew our day of plenty would come when they left the nest. Every wish we had for them revolved around the security that a college degree would provide.

Then, at age 40 I decided to try my own hand at college.  While working full time and raising two kids, I went to weekend college and earned my Bachelor's degree over six intense years of work and study.  I was counting on that degree to push me to the next level at work.

About that time, the bottom fell out of the economy.  On the heels of 9/11,  America launched into the great recession of the 2000's. My husband lost his job of twenty three years and went on unemployment for a year.  At the same time, I lost my job of thirteen years. We had two girls still in college who were  still in need of our support.  Life was not going to be comfortable or easy for any of us, and we lost our second dream.

Again we pushed through.  We kept our house when others were defaulting in alarming numbers. Both our girls finished college and they are both gainfully employed. I have started a new career that I enjoy and my husband is back at work with the same long-time employer who had laid him off for over a year.

Things are looking up and we are thankful for all that we have.  However, with three recent college degrees in our family, there is a mountain of student loan debt that we are working on paying back.  It is tough sometimes to know how close I will be to collecting social security when the loans are finally paid back.

This is the life I have built.  I can give up or keep going. I can be happy or sad.  I choose to keep going and be happy. But I have  a lot of living to do in the next twenty five years.  While others are settling into their  Golden Years, I will be hustling to pay for my education. I will be striving to advance in my career where many of my colleagues are twenty years younger than me.

I know fifty is just a number, but it it still a measure of time.  When the number of years behind is larger than the number yet to come, it sparks a new appreciation for life as well as a new way to assess happiness. I have found that while I have landed short in many of my dreams, I have peace and satisfaction knowing that I have never stopped striving and never stopped believing in myself.

Cheers to the next third of my life!